We predict this week's episode of Game of Thrones using the crucible of WWE 2K16.
For those of you who read last week's predictions, well, it's no secret that we may have been slightly (just slightly) off the mark. We went 0-for-2.
Okay, so Arya didn't die, and neither did Jon Snow. In fact, Snow ended up killing both Olly and Thorne. In researching why our WWE 2K16 simulation was so off-base, we found that the newest patches for the game had not yet been installed. What this means for you is from now on, all these simulations should be 100% accurate, and if they're not, you're legally allowed to send a letter to Triple H and complain.
Let's get right into it. Last week's episode of Game of Thrones teased two pivotal battles, the first of which will feature Jon Snow once again.
He didn't really pick a great time to leave Castle Black and end his watch, because Ramsay Bolton has pretty much just decided to ride north to the wall and deal with Snow himself. It seems very likely that the two will meet on their paths, setting up an epic battle between good and evil.
Both unarmed on their travels, the two will meet alone in a clearing. Newly determined, Snow will attempt to strike first. Finding a flimsy training sword nearby, and thinking for some reason that it'd be a good idea to ambush Ramsey Bolton with it, Snow starts the fight off confidently.
But, like, this plan is terrible, and it ends pretty much exactly how you think it would.
The momentum is all Ramsay's as he mercilessly beats Jon Snow with the sword, and then just straight up kicks him in the face a few times.
Back in the clearing, Snow stumbles to his feet, regaining his strength against a nearby tree. He's in immense pain, but manages to perform his finishing move, the Bastard Bomb, on an unsuspecting Ramsay Bolton.
Ramsay is just getting started, however. Snow was not able to seal the deal with his finishing move, and Bolton finds his opening. He begins with a devastating backbreaker, focusing on wearing down and weakening specific parts of Jon Snow's body.
Bolton does not let up. He is a master of torture, honing in on Snow's legs with his Only Child Single Leglock.
Snow, though weakened, is somehow able to keep his composure and escape the hold.
Snow knows that should the fight go on much longer, he will be worn down and slain. He decides, once again, to try an all-out assault. He howls to the sky, and runs at Ramsay with all his might.
Again, this is a terrible plan, and pretty much exactly what Ramsay Bolton wanted Snow to do. He quickly reverses Snow's hold, and slams him to the mat. I mean, uh, cold, snowy ground.
Ramsay wastes no time. He quickly calls his horse over, mounts it, then jumps off of it to deliver a Sadist's Elbow.
The fight is all but over at this point. Jon Snow is too dazed to fight back, and Ramsay Bolton is easily able to break Jon Snow's back with his Flayed Man hold.
What happened next in the simulation, um, is not appropriate for a family website like GameSkinny. I'll show you this screenshot I took before the horror began, but just trust that given our simulation, by the time Ramsay finally kills Jon Snow this coming Sunday night, it'll be a relief.
Once again, Jon Snow is killed, and with him dies the chance of keeping the North out of the nefarious clutches of Ramsay Bolton.
Last week's episode saw Cersei's plot to escape further persecution from the Sparrows take full form. She plans to demand a trial by combat, using the zombified Gregor Clegane as her champion.
But let's be honest. We all know Jaime is going to get involved too.
Also he has his hand back for some reason, but don't pay any attention to that.
The big question on fans' minds is who the High Sparrow will choose as his champion. Lancel Lannister is the prevailing theory, but inside sources at HBO have confirmed to GameSkinny that somebody much more surprising will be meeting The Mountain in combat.
AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA.
As the trial by combat begins, things are already proving troublesome for Cersei's champions. The Mountain has begun attacking the High Sparrow, who deftly dodges his blows and begins pummeling Clegane with a ladder, while Cena instantly zeroes in on Jaime Lannister, suplexing him to the ground multiple times over.
While the surprisingly spry High Sparrow is preoccupied with The Mountain, however, Jaime Lannister has taken one of the spectators' chairs and begun beating the crap out of Cena with it.
Soon, both Jaime and Clegane have the upper hand on their opponents, Jaime showing surprising strength in lifting John Cena over his own head, and Clegane finally using his massive size to overpower the High Sparrow.
House Cena's mantra of "Hustle, Loyalty, Respect", however, means that Cena will be hard to keep down. While The Mountain is preoccupied with chokeslamming a frail old man, John Cena has retaken the upper hand against Jaime, and looks to use this shift in momentum against his true opponent after dealing with the matter at hand.
Cena is able to throw The Mountain into the corner. While Clegane is strong, he is slow, and is visibly tired from beating up a 97 year old man.
Cena is able to use his immense strength to fling The Mountain into Jaime, stunning them both long enough for the High Sparrow to escape from his advance.
Cena and the High Sparrow share a moment, confident that the trial by combat is all but won, and that Cena, as he always does, has managed to overcome the odds and triumph.
But suddenly, from the downed body of The Mountain, Gregor Clegane, come four chilling words.
With agility that should be impossible for a man of his size, The Mountain springs to his feet, clutching John Cena's skull.
He wrestles Cena to the ground, driving his thumbs into his eyes. Cena's screams ring out as he is blinded, his eyes popping like grapes against the raw power of The Mountain.
In time, the convulsions and twitches of Cena's dying body subside, and the match is over. The High Sparrow runs off to parts unknown, Cersei's innocence is proven in the eyes of the old gods and the new, Jaime Lannister is given rule over Cenation, and all of King's Landing now knows the true horror of The Mountain, Gregor Clegane. Well, at least everyone who didn't see him do pretty much the exact same thing to The Viper, Oberyn Martell. Now the people that missed that are all up to speed.
What do you think? Have you organized any simulations for this week's Game of Thrones, or do you have any thoughts or suggestions on our predictions? Be sure to sound off in the comments if you do, or if you just want to share your predictions for next episode. We'll see you next week for another installment of Game(Skinny) of Thrones!